Ned: Dave! The carpet’s black!
Dave: I know. What’s the matter with that then?
Ned: Nowt! Didn’t say there was nothing wrong with it!
Dave: Why tell me then?
Ned: Just pointing it out that’s all!
Dave: I do have me own eyes ya know?
Ned: I know! I can see ya have with me own eyes!
Dave: Well there ya go then…so what’s your fucking problem with the carpet being black and all?
Ned: Nowt! I already told ya! Jesus!
Dave: Alright! Must be a reason or summat?
Ned: Oh heck! Just never seen a carpet that black before. That’s all. Happy now are ya?
Dave: …suppose so.
Ned: Ya aren’t are ya? Ya need some long bloody monologue to satisfy ya!
Dave: Monologue? Satisfy? Where have ya been learning them fancy words from eh?
Ned: …eh? Nowhere! Just popped into me head is all.
Dave: Ya what? Words like that don’t just pop into ya head without getting them from somewhere!
Ned: What does it matter Dave? Just leave it yeah?
Dave: …hey! Ya haven’t been…ya know…reading again?
Ned: Ya what? What ya take me for Dave? One of them mad professors like? Ya feeling alright in ya head or summat?
Dave: Hmmm! Ya better not be lying to me! We both know what happens when ya start picking up a book and learning about…things like!
Ned: Dave! Ya know me better than that! I wouldn’t lie to ya! Alright, truth be told, I saw them words splashed on the side of a bus that passed by the other day.
Dave: Oh yeah? Makes sense I suppose…hang about! It’s one thing to see new words, but it’s another to know what they mean and when to use them! Ya can’t lie yourself out of this one man!
Ned: Just looked them up in a dictionary like.
Dave: Ned!!! What have I told ya about opening up a book?
Ned: Never to open a book ever on pain of my balls being twisted off and soaked in vinegar. I know that Dave! It’s only a dictionary. What harm can it do?
Dave: Plenty! Believe me! Ya can’t remember it, but last time it happened, ya brain couldn’t cope and went nutso! Took us days to hunt ya down in the woods and knock ya out. Ya wouldn’t wanna know the things we saw when we found ya! Promised meself never to think about it again or mention it to anyone ever again! Ya get me now?
Ned: Blimey! I suppose so Dave. Ya know best!
Dave: Good! Sorted then!
Ned: Dave!!!
Dave: What is it Ned?
Ned: …it’s the carpet! It’s gone all black like!
Dave: …Jesus Christ!
